I Want To Live!

I live in Central Florida, a beautiful oasis in the burgeoning pubescent growth spurt that the state of Florida has been experiencing for the last few decades. My home is situated in a Cleaver-esque neighborhood downtown populated by an amalgam of residents from all walks of life. We share a common love for culture, food, nightlife and the convenience that urban living affords. On any given weekday morning the coffee spots are latte-ing and the buzz of laptops is everywhere. On the weekends, things don't really stir until 11 am and that is only to get up and collectively get a glass of water and return to bed until 12.
The suburbs, on the other hand, are a land that one only travels through to get to someplace else. This rich tapestry of all that is unholy breeds the likes of a Casey Anthony or any other frequent guest on the Nancy Grace show. The inhabitants of suburban Orlando are a classless cesspool of crackpots and lowlife that appear frequently on the local news offering descriptions of suspects or opinions on deadly intersections with their 3rd grade grammar and their Super Cuts hair do's. It's as though our fair kingdom is surrounded by a river of snot. When ever a local crime begins to grow into a full feature, I cringe when I turn on CNN knowing that the Pinheads of Pine Hills will be offering their 2 cents worth of insight into the situation. Phrases such as," I ain't never seen...", and " ...this guy come runnin' through my yard" will be spewing out of the mouth of some greasy shirtless moron as he bats at flying insects. How proud I am that search and recovery teams are on speed dial. What a thrill to see sheriff deputies fishing out a suitcase from a retention pond filled with the body parts of a missing prostitute. All just minutes from The Happiest Place On Earth, Walt Disney World. Visitors, make sure you pack plenty of sunscreen and extra body bags because standing outside your motel rooms in the hot Florida sun while a forensics team removes what's left of the tourists in the room next to yours could take some time and you certainly don't want to return back to the UK with sun poisoning.
I guess it's not that bad. I lived in New York for a few years and heard my share of horror stories. But, in New York, the crazy people and murderers are out in plain sight. They are an obvious fixture in that urban landscape. Here, your next door neighbor could be an axe murderer and you would never know it until a Fox News crew is interviewing the man across the street and you hear him say," ...and then this guy come runnin' through my yard".